Friday, May 29, 2009

May 28, 2009

To-Do List For the Day:

1. Pour liquid dish soap on the carpet.

2. Scrape, crumble and smear Dad's new deodorant into the carpet.

3. Repeatedly point at my nipples and say "bippo."

4. Find Mom's secret stash of cookies and help myself.

5. Unroll approximately 10 yards of Christmas wrapping paper onto the kitchen floor.

6. Ride in a giant tractor with my dad.

7. Eat some mud.

Whew! This terrible-two business is exhausting.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

May 27, 2009

Sometimes when Mom is busy with Jack, I take the opportunity to explore. I found out that I can open the kitchen drawers and they make a great ladder. After I was up on the counter, I turned on the faucet and played in the sink. Then I made my was across the stove, stopping to open Daddy's bottle of medicine. Too bad it was empty. Then I found this neat black thing to sit on. I saw Mom making sandwiches with it last night. I was just about to try twisting the knob on the side when Mom came into the kitchen.

She ruins all of my fun!

Later, I went into her sewing room. I love to pull all of the bobbins out of their case and unwind the thread on the floor. But the bobbin case seemed to have some kind of force field surrounding it. Just then Mom walked in and said "I taped it shut. Ha!"

Why is she so mean?

May 26, 2009

Oatmeal is a fantastic, multi-purpose medium.

So is yogurt, but my mom didn't get a picture of that one.

Monday, May 25, 2009

May 25, 2009

I'm through reorganizing Mom's wallet. From now on, I'm just going to empty the contents and scatter them throughout the house.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

May 24, 2009

Today I found a teeny little tube of some delicious stuff. So I bit the tube until it broke and I sucked all the stuff out. It was making a funny sucking sound so I just had to show Mom. She grabbed the tube from me and washed my hands and face. She said something to Dad about hair clipper lubricating oil. She also told him that it was his turn to call Poison Control.

I think it's great that my parents take turns.

May 23, 2009

Friday, May 22, 2009

May 22, 2009 Part II

Fry sauce still makes a great moisturizer.

May 22, 2009

Today mom made me a turkey, cheese and pickle sandwich for lunch. It was yummy! I pulled the sandwich apart, ate the turkey and cheese, smeared the mayo from one piece of bread onto my head and arms and smeared the other piece of bread on the table. Then I took the orange that mom gave me and squeezed all of the juice out. Some of the juice got on me, some on my sandwich and some went on Spanky.

Then mom gave me a bath! A bath in the middle of the day! She put in some bubbles for me and then she sat and played with Jack while I splashed. Mom was busy singing songs to Jack so I took the opportunity to pour half of the new bottle of shampoo into the tub and turn on the jets. I love bubbles!

That's when mom decided that it was time for my bath to be done. It figures. Just as soon as it gets good she takes me out. Mom wrapped me in a towel and let me run out to the living room while she got some clean clothes for me. I was pushing my tractor and felt something funny in my bum. I squatted down to check things out when mom walked into the room. She said my whole name (including my middle name!) and then drug me back to the bathroom for another tubby. This time, she didn't fill up the tub. She just washed my stinky bum and legs. When she took me back out of the tub, she wouldn't even let me run around naked. She put a diaper on me immediately. Geez. It was just two piles of diarrhea on the carpet, and one of them wasn't even that big.

Mom cleaned up my mess with some stuff that smelled good and some paper towels. Then she took all of the stinky stuff outside. While she was gone, I thought I'd help her by getting some more paper towels ready. I unrolled the rest of them off of the cardboard tube. Boy, there sure were a lot of paper towels.

When Mom came back in the house, she called me by all three names again, put my clothes on me and sent me to bed.

Mom never appreciates anything that I do for her.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

May 21, 2009

Mom made me some suspenders today. I no longer trip over my pants or have to stop and hitch them up.

Now she'll never catch me!

I love nap time with my teddy bear Chuck and my Cozy Cows blanket. Mom says that she loves my nap time, too.


May 20, 2009

That blasted mother of mine undid all of my wallet organizing skills. So I dumped the entire contents on the floor. It took her a good fifteen minutes to put all of the change, pictures, coupons, business cards and all that other adult crap back where she wanted it. I am patient, though. I'll wait until tomorrow and then put everything back where it belongs. Eventually, I will wear her down and she will submit to my superior wallet-organizing skills.

Mom took me for a drive today, just Mommy and me. We went to the doctor where a nice lady poked my finger and then squeezed some pretty red stuff out. It was fascinating. She had to squeeze for a long time to get enough of the red stuff to fill up a little glass tube. Then a man came in and looked in my eyes and ears and even in my diaper. I'm suspicious of this man. What was his motive? He left the room shortly after he came in. I wanted to go with him but I had to stay with Mom. Then the nice lady came back and SHE STUCK A NEEDLE IN MY LEG! A NEEDLE! I said "Ouch!" then she put a Band-Aid on the hole in my leg. The Band-Aid has Mater on it. It was cool.

We buried a dead chicken before bedtime. Mike and Noel cried. I don't get it. We got to dig in the dirt! My brother and sister are weird.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Monday, May 18

Mommy has taught me a new trick. When I want something done that I can't do myself, I show Mom what I want and say "hep," then Mommy helps me with whatever it is that I need. It's great. If the bucket won't go on my tractor, I say hep. If I want my snacks opened, I say hep. Today I wanted to go outside. I hung on the doorknob with both hands, tilted my head back, and called "heeehhhhhp!" When that didn't work, I threw myself on the floor and screamed. I wonder why Mom never let me go outside.

Tonight I learned that fry sauce is a great moisturizer. See it there on my right arm, all the way up to my shoulder? I also rubbed it into my face. Guess what else fry sauce is good for:

Styling gel!

Daddy and I always play the funnest games together. Tonight we played "I'll run around naked and shrieking while you chase me with my pajamas!" I love that one.

Friday, May 15, 2009

May 14, 2009

Today's post is brought to you by the words "heart" and "failure".

Mom says I'm lucky that it wasn't plugged in.

I guess "go play quietly" doesn't mean what I thought it meant.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

May 13, 2009

Tore pages from Mike's Ripley's book. Made the sad face and cried when Mom scolded me. Continued to cry off and on for an hour whenever Mom looked at me, even though I had forgotten the original reason for crying.

Insisted that Jack share his Stage One Gerber applesauce with me. Baby food is goooood.

Rearranged Mom's wallet because I can never find anything in there when I need it.

Discovered the joys of self-portraiture.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

May 12th

Grandma's house - Pumped 1/2 bottle of liquid soap into the bathroom sink. Ran water until the sink filled with bubbles. Bubbles smell great and are fun to play in! Grandma found me and stopped all the fun, so I went to the other bathroom and started over with the bottle of soap in there. Killjoy, I mean Grandma, put the kibosh on that, too.

Had BRIGHT EMERALD GREEN poop. Mom suspects that it is from all of the black licorice that I ate yesterday.

May 11th

Blueprints seem to have disappeared.

Put ice melt in Spanky's food dish. Spanky subsequently threw up. I don't think Mom appreciated my help in making sure Spanky is well-nourished.

May 10th

Found Mom's brand new pen. Wrote note of support and admiration to Mike in his brand new book. Invented door-opening device. Used pen to draw blueprints on my arms and face until a more permanent copy can be made.