Wednesday, December 30, 2009

December 30, 2009

A few days ago, I washed the mirror in the bathroom with Mommy's yummy-smelling vanilla soap. I washed the counter, too. While I was up there, I decided to poke around in the medicine cabinet. I found these funny little plastic circles in water. Water should go down the drain instead of staying the cabinet where it might make a mess.

The next day I heard Mommy ask "...where are my contact lenses?"

Hmm. I wonder what contact lenses are.

Monday, December 14, 2009

December 14, 2009

Today Jack and I decided to make an omelet for Mom. We got out two cartons of eggs, one for Jack and one for me. The tile floor in the kitchen seemed like a good place to make the omelet so I opened up the cartons and Jack and I each grabbed two eggs.

Then Mom caught us and made us stop after only cracking one egg.

What kind of omelet can you make with one stinking egg?

December 12, 2009

I am such a big helper. Just the other day I heard my mom say how it seemed like she could never stay caught up on laundry so I decided that I needed to do something to help her out.

The washing machine was full of Mike's clothes so I threw in a towel and a few wash cloths. Then I added about a pound of laundry detergent and a liberal amount of bleach.

These pants are totally still wearable.

This is Mike's favorite Star Wars shirt. I think the bleach spots on the shoulder add to the edgy bounty hunter look, don't you?

If I had been just a little more thorough, Mike would have a nice pair of shorts.

Did anyone else know that bleach is corrosive?

Note From Mom
***Before I get comments on what kind of horrible mother would have dangerous chemicals where her toddler could reach them and thus laden heaping piles of guilt on my head (like I haven't already done that myself) let me state the facts:
  1. The bleach and laundry detergent were on a shelf above my washing machine, a full five feet off of the ground.
  2. The bleach has a child proof (*scoff*) lid that was screwed on tightly.
  3. As near as I can figure, he pushed a bucket to the washing machine and climbed up that way.
  4. All of this was accomplished in a matter of minutes.
  5. Duct taping this child to a chair for all of his waking minutes is the only real way of keeping him out of trouble, and even then I'm not so sure that would do the trick.
I'm just grateful that the only real consequences were a few pieces of ruined clothing. We really can't do much more than keep a sharp eye on him, be grateful that it wasn't worse and laugh when it seems that crying would make more sense.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

December 8, 2009

Tonight I played with Mike's light saber.

So did Jack.

He hasn't learned how to duck yet.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

December 3, 2009

I made up a new game. I call it "Run Away".

  1. When Mom says "Let's change your diaper" or "Let's get dressed" run away.
  2. Whenever possible, open the door and run outside. Get as far away from the house as you can.
  3. Don't underestimate the value of a good distraction. Little brothers, spilled bowls of cereal and puddles of urine all offer a great opportunity to begin the game.
  4. When Mom gets you out of the car and is busy getting your little brother out of his car seat, get as far away from her as you can before she discovers that you're gone. Bonus points if you venture into traffic.
  5. If Mom's hands are full and you're headed to the car to go bye-bye, use this golden opportunity to disappear. You can find a neat bug or play with your outside dump truck or look at the fish in the pond. Just stay away from Mom.
  6. Once Mom realizes that you are running away, shriek and continue to distance yourself from her. If she tries to get you to willingly come back, yell "NO!" in your most authoritative voice. Continue running in the opposite direction.
  7. Be warned: she will use all of the Mom-tricks in her bag. Coaxing, demanding, asking nicely, bribery - nothing is beneath a mother. Bonus points if you get her to cry.
  8. Keep it up. She won't be able to out-run you forever.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Thursday, November 19, 2009

November 19, 2009

I think I may have a future in fashion. Mom and Dad really seemed to admire my outfit today: Mom's sling-back pumps and my cowboy hat.

Yee-haw, darlings.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

November 17, 2009

Directions for the funnest game ever:

  1. Take off all clothes, excluding or including diaper as mood dictates.
  2. Put on fresh shirt from dresser.
  3. Wait five to fifteen minutes.
  4. Repeat until all shirts are on the floor.

Monday, November 16, 2009

November 16, 2009

Today Jack and I snuggled up together with the best snack ever: a stick of butter. One for him and one for me.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

November 5, 2009

Today I discovered the usefulness of step stools.

While Mom was busy changing Jack's diaper, I helped myself to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.

I mixed a mad potion of prescription antibacterial ointment, two different kinds of sunscreen, eye drops, and some anti-fungal cream that Mom said no boy had any business using.

It made a lovely face and hand cream.

Then my mom washed it all off.

Boo to moms.

But, hey, yay for step stools!

Now if I can just find where she hid it....

Friday, October 23, 2009

October 23, 2009

I thought I'd eat some diaper rash cream and cut out the middle man.

No more pictures, please. I have things to do.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

October 15, 2009

Danger Boy has found a new lair.

What's this? Captain Mischief has discovered my lair.

I think we might make a good team....

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

October 14, 2009

This morning Jack and I woke up to find the house nice and tidy. All of the toys were put away. The dishes were done, the floor swept, the carpet vacuumed.

It was like a blank canvas, beckoning us to fill it with mischief and mayhem.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

October 8, 2009 Part II

I forgot to mention that a couple of weeks ago, I threw up one and a half sippy cups full of milk all over my mom.

In public.

In the foyer of a restaurant.

Suddenly no one was hungry but me so we went home. Boy, did we stink.

I got to take a bath with Mom. I raced her to the tub and did a cannonball into it because it was so full. I wrapped my arms around my knees and everything.

Then I filled up our rinsing cup with water and dumped it on the floor. Mom got mad and made me stop. Then I took little sips of water from the rinsing cup and spit them on the floor. She didn't like that either. So I soaked up some water with the washcloth and let it drip on the floor. Mom got mad again and made me stop again. I swear that woman has eyes in the back of her head.

She didn't say much about my little splashes after that. Compared to the cannonball they were nothing.

Sometimes my mom is no fun at all.

October 8, 2009

Today I decided to do a little landscaping in the living room, so I got my big ol' Tonka truck and dumped a full load of dirt right in front of the couch. Jack sat in it and ate some. We're a great team.

Then mom destroyed all of my work and I got to spend the rest of the day at Papa's house.

On the way home, we saw a helicopter right out my stinking window!

It's been a good day.

Monday, October 5, 2009

October 5, 2009

Dear Son,

I know that you enjoy playing on the washing machine. I know that it makes you feel big and gives you a different vantage point. I suspect that you enjoy the element of danger that it presents as well. But you have to stop thrashing about when I remove you from the top of the washer. I'm a full grown woman, but I'm finding it harder and harder to keep hold of 25 pounds of wildly bucking toddler. You are lucky that we made it to the carpet before my grip gave out.

Additionally, when you are thrashing and kicking, your baby brother usually suffers several blows to the head, as he always wants to be where you are. Please consider others in your actions.

It is not safe to play in the dryer with the door closed. I shudder to think of the possible results of that action. Please stop.

The chairs in our house each have their own place and I would appreciate if they would stay in their respective spots instead of being used to assist you in climbing to various heights.

Last of all, I know that you love to be outside. I know that you are proud of your new-found ability to open doors and the deadbolt. But, Son, when it's thirty degrees and snowing, a diaper and one sock are not enough protection from the elements. Please stay inside.


Your Mother

P.S. A diaper change does not present any threat to your life, so please stop acting as such.

Friday, September 25, 2009

September 25, 2009

Can't a kid catch a break?

Apparently not.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

September 8, 2009

My young protege has begun walking upright and has shown a commendable interest in mischief. We will soon be unstoppable!

(insert evil laugh here)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

August 19, 2009

My mom made me this totally cool bag.

It even has my name on it!

You'll never believe what's inside....

...but it makes me happy....


August 18, 2009

Meal times are always fun. I like to experiment with new and different ways of getting the food from the table and into my tummy. My mom calls this "Stunt Eating".

Danger Boy, perched precariously on the perimeter of peril.... with a barbecue beef sandwich.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

August 10, 2009

I was having so much fun when my dad walked into the kitchen. This is what I heard:

Dad: *extreme gasp*

Mom: *sigh* Did you find out why he's been quiet for more than five minutes?

Dad: Yep.

Mom: Do I want to know?

Dad: Nope.

My mom is a liar. If she didn't want to know, why did she walk into the kitchen with the camera?

Jack is always raving about this "formula" stuff. Personally, I don't see what the fuss is all about. At least I got a bath out of the deal. Mom told me that if we turned on the jets in the tub it would make a milk shake, but she never turned them on.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

August 9, 2009

I love SpongeBob sooooo much! Mom says that the video would have been better if I hadn't been trying to climb onto her lap the whole time. I say, whatever, you got the audio that you wanted.

Catching Up

My transcriptionist has been unable to help me with my blog this week, so I'll just catch up with one big post.

Monday, August 3

Found a pool of beautiful, crystal clear water on the front patio, just beckoning to me. Enjoyed several minutes of cannonballs and swan dives before Mom came out to see what the ruckus was about. Little brother Jack came out to see, too. Mom turned on the hose while muttering under her breath something about "just scrubbed the trough last night." The water is cloudy because my diaper started to come apart after being in there for so long.

Part way through the video, you can see a big dump truck drive by. That is one of my favorite things about living on a farm: big trucks and tractors!

Tuesday, August 4

My name is Danger Boy, and this is my lair:

I like to do all sorts of things in my lair, but meditation is my favorite, especially if I'm meditating with a cup of milk and my Cozy Cows.

Wednesday, August 5

I found this great cowboy hat. It makes a great Danger Boy disguise. Hmmm..... what shall I do with this box of 3" wood screws? Oh, the possibilities are endless!

"Howdy, y'all! This is the lair of Cowboy Boy. Members only, please."

I think I'll mosey into the kitchen and have the barmaid get me a refill. Milk, chocolate.

Thursday, August 6

Found these socks and insisted that Mom put them on me. I wore them for the whole day. Also, I like my big brother.

Friday, August 7

What kind of parent takes a picture before helping their sweet son out of a sticky situation?

Author's Note: Clothes are for sissies.

Transcriptionist's Note: Hi. This is Adam's mom. I dress this boy each and every day. In Monday's post, he is still wearing the onesie that he slept in, but I took it off of him right after I turned off the camera. His diaper was a giant, shapeless, pulpy mess which promptly disintegrated after I removed the support of the onesie. He ran around outside for the rest of the morning stark naked because he refused to come inside and get dressed. In posts Tuesday through Thursday, he is wearing only a diaper (and socks) because he undressed himself within thirty minutes of being dressed. In Friday's post, he is not wearing pants because he took them off but the camera hides this fact. I try, people, really I do, but I'm just a thirty-something mother up against a two year old mastermind.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

August 5, 2009

Glass front stove and smooth cupboard doors?

I scale you like a gecko.

Up high cabinet?

I open you with ease.

Child-proof prescription bottle lids?

I mock you.

"Hello Poison Control? This is Adam's mommy......again."

Sunday, July 19, 2009

July 19, 2009

Dirt, water and soot are my favorite mediums.

Friday, July 17, 2009

July 16, 2009

Today my siblings and I conducted several experiments to test the limits of our mother.

That woman is stronger than she looks.

Blast. Operation "Push Mom Over the Edge" may be harder than we originally thought.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

July 15, 2009

Not much new to report.

Mom got rid of her wallet. The weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders is incredible. Now I no longer have to rearrange everything on a daily basis.

My baby brother has started to crawl. I've been conducting experiments to test his agility, speed, pain tolerance and digestive ability. He appears to be shaping up to be an exceptional side kick.

I have discovered the secret of defying gravity. More than once Mom has come into the kitchen to find me sitting on the counter and playing in the sink, with no sign of a stool or chair or any hint of how I got up there. I will take my secrets with me to the grave.

I have the four eldest members of my family trained to obey my every whim. I merely yell "Tee Bee!" and someone turns on the magic picture box. I don't even have to specify that I'd like to watch Spongebob, that's how well trained they are. As soon as the word "cows" escapes my lips, they are scrambling to find my snuggly cozy cows blanket.

Soon, Jack will have grown in power and together we will bring this family to its knees.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

July 8, 2009

I'm a magician!

Daddy put me to bed and then found me fifteen minutes later in the bathroom. I was sitting on the counter getting drinks of water out of the lid to some stuff that Mom has that smells pretty. Mom said it was like I was doing baby shots. Mom is weird.

Mom and Dad can't figure out how I got out of my room. They always shut the door at night and I haven't yet figured out how to open it.

....or have I?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

July 7,2009

I died today.

There is no other explanation for the place I was in, other than I had died and gone to heaven.

Mom says it was just the John Deere dealer, but I'm pretty sure I heard angels singing.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

July 3, 2009

I decided to be a very big, helpful boy today and wash myself and my clothes.

I climbed into the empty tub with all of my clothes on. I decided that I needed to use a little bit or maybe a lot of each of the different soaps, conditioners and shampoos. I had my self all good and lathered up and wanted to show Daddy how big I was but I couldn't get out of the tub. I was too slippery. It scared me and so I cried until Noel came and rescued me. Then Daddy took off all of my clothes and washed me.

I guess he didn't understand that I had already done that.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

July 2, 2009

Parts is parts.

July 1, 2009

Mom says that most people find spare change in their couch.

I think this is better.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Saturday, June 20, 2009

June 19, 2009

Plating with my tractor is a tough job.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

June 2, 2009

Today I was able to combine two of my loves: Spongebob and John Deere tractors. I found a Spongebob toy that fit perfectly in the driver's seat of my tractor. Spongebob and I hauled a tennis ball around for 45 minutes.

Monday, June 1, 2009

June 1, 2009

Today I found a box of the most beautiful, sparkly things: sequins! I spread the whole box all over Mom's sewing room floor. It looked like the floor was littered with all sorts of precious gems.

Mom picked up all of the pretty sequins and put them back in the box. I tried to decorate the carpet again, but the lid to the box was taped on. Mothers. Grrr.

Mom is always trying to get me to share with Jack, so today I fed him some push pins. Mom took them out of his mouth before he could swallow any. I think Jack was more disappointed than I was.

Daddy shared some ice cream with me. He kept shoving it in my mouth as fast as I could swallow. At first it was great but then all of a sudden OWWWW! It felt like my brain was trying to claw its way out of my forehead. Ice cream should have a warning label. Except I can't read, so that won't do me any good for a few more years.

Friday, May 29, 2009

May 28, 2009

To-Do List For the Day:

1. Pour liquid dish soap on the carpet.

2. Scrape, crumble and smear Dad's new deodorant into the carpet.

3. Repeatedly point at my nipples and say "bippo."

4. Find Mom's secret stash of cookies and help myself.

5. Unroll approximately 10 yards of Christmas wrapping paper onto the kitchen floor.

6. Ride in a giant tractor with my dad.

7. Eat some mud.

Whew! This terrible-two business is exhausting.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

May 27, 2009

Sometimes when Mom is busy with Jack, I take the opportunity to explore. I found out that I can open the kitchen drawers and they make a great ladder. After I was up on the counter, I turned on the faucet and played in the sink. Then I made my was across the stove, stopping to open Daddy's bottle of medicine. Too bad it was empty. Then I found this neat black thing to sit on. I saw Mom making sandwiches with it last night. I was just about to try twisting the knob on the side when Mom came into the kitchen.

She ruins all of my fun!

Later, I went into her sewing room. I love to pull all of the bobbins out of their case and unwind the thread on the floor. But the bobbin case seemed to have some kind of force field surrounding it. Just then Mom walked in and said "I taped it shut. Ha!"

Why is she so mean?

May 26, 2009

Oatmeal is a fantastic, multi-purpose medium.

So is yogurt, but my mom didn't get a picture of that one.

Monday, May 25, 2009

May 25, 2009

I'm through reorganizing Mom's wallet. From now on, I'm just going to empty the contents and scatter them throughout the house.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

May 24, 2009

Today I found a teeny little tube of some delicious stuff. So I bit the tube until it broke and I sucked all the stuff out. It was making a funny sucking sound so I just had to show Mom. She grabbed the tube from me and washed my hands and face. She said something to Dad about hair clipper lubricating oil. She also told him that it was his turn to call Poison Control.

I think it's great that my parents take turns.

May 23, 2009

Friday, May 22, 2009

May 22, 2009 Part II

Fry sauce still makes a great moisturizer.

May 22, 2009

Today mom made me a turkey, cheese and pickle sandwich for lunch. It was yummy! I pulled the sandwich apart, ate the turkey and cheese, smeared the mayo from one piece of bread onto my head and arms and smeared the other piece of bread on the table. Then I took the orange that mom gave me and squeezed all of the juice out. Some of the juice got on me, some on my sandwich and some went on Spanky.

Then mom gave me a bath! A bath in the middle of the day! She put in some bubbles for me and then she sat and played with Jack while I splashed. Mom was busy singing songs to Jack so I took the opportunity to pour half of the new bottle of shampoo into the tub and turn on the jets. I love bubbles!

That's when mom decided that it was time for my bath to be done. It figures. Just as soon as it gets good she takes me out. Mom wrapped me in a towel and let me run out to the living room while she got some clean clothes for me. I was pushing my tractor and felt something funny in my bum. I squatted down to check things out when mom walked into the room. She said my whole name (including my middle name!) and then drug me back to the bathroom for another tubby. This time, she didn't fill up the tub. She just washed my stinky bum and legs. When she took me back out of the tub, she wouldn't even let me run around naked. She put a diaper on me immediately. Geez. It was just two piles of diarrhea on the carpet, and one of them wasn't even that big.

Mom cleaned up my mess with some stuff that smelled good and some paper towels. Then she took all of the stinky stuff outside. While she was gone, I thought I'd help her by getting some more paper towels ready. I unrolled the rest of them off of the cardboard tube. Boy, there sure were a lot of paper towels.

When Mom came back in the house, she called me by all three names again, put my clothes on me and sent me to bed.

Mom never appreciates anything that I do for her.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

May 21, 2009

Mom made me some suspenders today. I no longer trip over my pants or have to stop and hitch them up.

Now she'll never catch me!

I love nap time with my teddy bear Chuck and my Cozy Cows blanket. Mom says that she loves my nap time, too.


May 20, 2009

That blasted mother of mine undid all of my wallet organizing skills. So I dumped the entire contents on the floor. It took her a good fifteen minutes to put all of the change, pictures, coupons, business cards and all that other adult crap back where she wanted it. I am patient, though. I'll wait until tomorrow and then put everything back where it belongs. Eventually, I will wear her down and she will submit to my superior wallet-organizing skills.

Mom took me for a drive today, just Mommy and me. We went to the doctor where a nice lady poked my finger and then squeezed some pretty red stuff out. It was fascinating. She had to squeeze for a long time to get enough of the red stuff to fill up a little glass tube. Then a man came in and looked in my eyes and ears and even in my diaper. I'm suspicious of this man. What was his motive? He left the room shortly after he came in. I wanted to go with him but I had to stay with Mom. Then the nice lady came back and SHE STUCK A NEEDLE IN MY LEG! A NEEDLE! I said "Ouch!" then she put a Band-Aid on the hole in my leg. The Band-Aid has Mater on it. It was cool.

We buried a dead chicken before bedtime. Mike and Noel cried. I don't get it. We got to dig in the dirt! My brother and sister are weird.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Monday, May 18

Mommy has taught me a new trick. When I want something done that I can't do myself, I show Mom what I want and say "hep," then Mommy helps me with whatever it is that I need. It's great. If the bucket won't go on my tractor, I say hep. If I want my snacks opened, I say hep. Today I wanted to go outside. I hung on the doorknob with both hands, tilted my head back, and called "heeehhhhhp!" When that didn't work, I threw myself on the floor and screamed. I wonder why Mom never let me go outside.

Tonight I learned that fry sauce is a great moisturizer. See it there on my right arm, all the way up to my shoulder? I also rubbed it into my face. Guess what else fry sauce is good for:

Styling gel!

Daddy and I always play the funnest games together. Tonight we played "I'll run around naked and shrieking while you chase me with my pajamas!" I love that one.

Friday, May 15, 2009

May 14, 2009

Today's post is brought to you by the words "heart" and "failure".

Mom says I'm lucky that it wasn't plugged in.

I guess "go play quietly" doesn't mean what I thought it meant.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

May 13, 2009

Tore pages from Mike's Ripley's book. Made the sad face and cried when Mom scolded me. Continued to cry off and on for an hour whenever Mom looked at me, even though I had forgotten the original reason for crying.

Insisted that Jack share his Stage One Gerber applesauce with me. Baby food is goooood.

Rearranged Mom's wallet because I can never find anything in there when I need it.

Discovered the joys of self-portraiture.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

May 12th

Grandma's house - Pumped 1/2 bottle of liquid soap into the bathroom sink. Ran water until the sink filled with bubbles. Bubbles smell great and are fun to play in! Grandma found me and stopped all the fun, so I went to the other bathroom and started over with the bottle of soap in there. Killjoy, I mean Grandma, put the kibosh on that, too.

Had BRIGHT EMERALD GREEN poop. Mom suspects that it is from all of the black licorice that I ate yesterday.

May 11th

Blueprints seem to have disappeared.

Put ice melt in Spanky's food dish. Spanky subsequently threw up. I don't think Mom appreciated my help in making sure Spanky is well-nourished.

May 10th

Found Mom's brand new pen. Wrote note of support and admiration to Mike in his brand new book. Invented door-opening device. Used pen to draw blueprints on my arms and face until a more permanent copy can be made.